I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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