Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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