Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
