she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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