He had one of those small greek statue penises
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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