you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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