Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
We got so high we made milksteak
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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