so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.