I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
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I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
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I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.