sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.