you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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