oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
