last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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