UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
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Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
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I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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