One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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