Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
