Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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