Please, let me fuck your mom
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
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I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
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I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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