How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
