You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
