I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.