the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday