His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.