YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
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Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
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They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?