someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
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I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"