dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.