Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
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He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
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Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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