apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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