go do what you do best...puke behind churches
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.