If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..