Barsexuality is the new black.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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