he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
