dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
