and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
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