Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
