So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.