Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just had sex on a roof
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.