Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
