True but thats because hes a fetus.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
