He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
