remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
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Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
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Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.