His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
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Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
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YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.