Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I can't put those talents on a resume
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer