I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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