I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
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It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
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The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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