Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
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I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
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Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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