Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize