Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
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He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
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THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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