in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
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I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
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I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?