Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
When did angry sex become our thing?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.