My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."