I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
