I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
