I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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