My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Randomize
