Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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