A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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