dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
