my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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