i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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