im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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